What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

So, i spoilt her more .

Im still living with it.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

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What did i know ?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

She loved him until the end.

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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I think the readers, may guess!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

What is your best gay fantasy?

Would this be the day?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Why is there so much hate against black people?

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

(And it was in our own minds.)

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

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This is how, and why children get BPD.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I was scared of men, in general

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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

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On the 31st of Jan this month .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I did it because my mum asked me too!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Especially a lifetime of it.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He knew the spot.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I waited trembling.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I was seconnd youngest,

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But, we were locked up after school.

She was in good health!

This is soul school!.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She wouldn,t have been !

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I don,t even have a pension.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

And who doesn’t know suffering?

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I have no regrets .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

It was going to be , some day.

But ive been too sick for many years..

When she asked me how she looked .

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But it wasn’t much.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

All the time i was locked up.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Who then, do I blame.?

I never cut or harmed myself..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I was very sick at this time too.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I couldn’t, believe it.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I will be 64.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I was 9 years of age.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

We all went to grammer schools

The only rule us 5 kids had .

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

She married twice! .

Why did i forgive my father ?

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

She found it foreign!.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Was to survive, this bastard.

Put me off passion for life!!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I could never make a relationship work though!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

My family never makes their pension either.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I write beautiful poetry .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

So whats the point in blame.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Ive learnt so much.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I said to her

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

My mum and dad in the seventies!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

My life is so biszare .

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Comes on , in middle age.

We were not on the streets..

They are buried together, in the same grave..

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

One cannot live in the past .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

And i lived it daily.